Category Archives: comedy

Punched In The Face – Bare Minimum Punishment

This is Awesome. It’s an old news story that got me to post about this but its worth it based on current events. I was reading a great report about how low job satisfaction is.

Basically: “Americans of all ages and income brackets continue to grow increasingly unhappy at work – a long-term trend that should be a red flag to employers” Amen Father can I have a wafer with that? Then I came across the evidence that this is true. I Cannot Tell A Lie. When I read that in late 2008 Lehman Brothers CEO Dick (appropriate name for him) Flud waspunched in the face while he was running on a treadmill andknocked cold – I felt a bit of glowing happiness inside. To the guy who had the balls to punch that shit-sack in the face: Thank You.

Hey, violence is never a good answer, but lets be real. Put scared animals (employees) in a corner when as the CEO (I like to call them “Conscious Exempt Organisms”) you are netting hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses (when you already have hundreds of millions) for destroying the U.S and possibly the world economies, you are going to have some lash-outs. Sorry. You reap what you sow. Regular employees get the shit stick for your failures and you get hundreds of millions in bonus. Yeah. When that happens you can expect to get punched in the face at a bare minimum. Flud is lucky that his head wasn’t then stomped into the office grade carpeting. 


Get a load of this great image for the upcoming movie The Crazies which is a remake of the 1973 version of the same name:


Now, if that there isn’t the spitting image of the disaffected laid-off masses – victims of nationwide Corporate White Collar Crime – I don’t know what is! Lets call him “Greg.”


According to the report of worker satisfaction, it could be inferred that more people like Greg will become dissatisfied in their work. When the Conscious Exempt Organisms are raping the general population, folks like Greg there just don’t take kindly to that sort of thing. Especially when Greg faces losing his job, dog, cat, fish, car, TV, clothes, home, family, furniture, food, life purpose, and finally sanity.

And the possibility exists that rich assholes are carrying weaponsto protect themselves from “populist uprising” – that is a scary thought. I guess they may go to the ultimate end to protect their fancy pants, eh? I sure hope they have high capacity magazines and are willing to use them, because the disaffected like Greg outnumber them by a massive scale. Greg above may not be able to purchase a gun, but pitchforks are really not a good alternative if you are on the receiving end. 


Are the Conscious Exempt Organisms ready when guys like Greg come a-knockin’ ?


(NOTE: the gun toting banker thing has apparently been debunked, but come on – are they really going to say “I’m packin’ heat all you laid off poor bitches.”) 

Probably not.

Cheating? DON’T Send An Email To Explain!!

Check this out. The first part is an email from some chick apologizing for cheating, the second part is the guys response.

Classic.

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can’t imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can Say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won’t. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don’t cut me off, I really don’t think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

————————————

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L” for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about”.

You did a stupid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a “Stupid thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t F**k him” somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she’s seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men’s room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

Your Daily Fail

Since we are all indoors being cold, I decided to post this great pic. I cannot imagine showing up at the beach looking like this. Simply and Epic Fail!